Two in one day? It must be a Personal Best.

Today was fantastic. I think when everything feels crappy for a while and then it all just dissapears it all becomes so, sort of, Biggest Loserish. Not that I watch that show...Okay I did watch that show tonight. And you know what JAG? They jumped off that cliff. They climbed that rockface. Then they gave a big sentimental shpeil about life the universe and everything. But they did it in between ad breaks, and that takes courage. So I decided to write something to celebrate their feats. This is for anyone who has ever hated something about themselves, or wasn't sure why they were the way they were, or looked at somebody and thought, "they can do what I can't do and be what I can't be." I grew up with poetry. My first poem was about colours, and as you can imagine it didn't inspire much creativity, but for the first time ever I was in control of something, I had created something that was completely my own. Two nights ago I was thinking about my poems and I realised I didn't like them because they didn't have a structure or any poetic effects. They weren't Harwood's or Hewett's or Judith Wright's. But in a somewhat corny sentimental serendipity, it occured to me tonight that if I enjoyed writing them then nothing could rain on that parade. Except of course, actual rain, but there are these cool ladybeetle umbrellas and nothing bad can happen when there are cool labybeetle umbrellas. Here it is:

Maybe we can

We’ve said we couldn’t

We knew we wouldn’t

We laughed about it until the sun didn’t give the moon the light

We sat there in stillness until the red hills disappeared into the night

I thought of what you said

I could give this a shape

I would give this a form

But life isn’t neatly organised into perfect filing cabinets

We are sad sometimes

We feel stupid and strange and silly

We stand out or we sink in

We change our direction

Our feet speed up on the ground and the side of our shoe touches the side of our other shoe as the steps get smaller and the beat gets quicker and our heart catches up as we race our shoelaces when they hit the ground

Our mind slows down while reading the book and we forget what we have just read and we go back a few pages and we have to focus on every word to take it in and it all seems like too much work so we lie down and fall asleep

We don’t stand in stanzas

We don’t keep to one pace

We don’t neatly tie our words together

We jump

I’ve bungee jumped before. It was as if I’d left myself behind there on the wooden step and this person jumping into the air was someone else, someone I’d never met who was in my clothes but they weren’t my clothes because my clothes had never felt that heavy and light at once in the wind

My mind isn’t straight forward. I’m everywhere. I’m on the bus. I’m at my desk. I’m in that room. I’m back at school.

I don’t like structure. It’s like a perfectly ironed shirt. A white piece of bread. No surprises. One meaning. A scrunched shirt gives many meanings. We can decide what it means for ourselves.

If I take your hand and squeeze it tight and lead you through the tea trees I will pull you through the shrubbery and untangle you from the clinging branches.

Things are looking upper

All I can say is, thank goodness for the coffee shop down the street. I like the city, I like coffee.

Thank you goodness and all you have done for us as the body of lost souls without coffee.

I am stressed. I have a #$%&load (I feel rude swearing on my blog, is that normal?) of things to do today. Exhale. That's better.

If you haven't spoken to me lately you will not know that I have recently started hating my poetry. So in Gemini-stupid-idiot-esque-style I wrote a poem/piece of writing about it.

What I want to do
What if I can’t do what I want to do because I don’t do what I want to do because I can’t?
If I stop doing what I want to do because I don’t think I want to do what I thought I wanted to do.
If I stop wanting to do what I wanted to do because I don’t think I can do what I wanted to do.
If I stop wanting to want to do what I wanted to do because I wanted to do what I couldn’t do.
If I stop wanting to do what I couldn’t do because I want to something that I can.
If I stop wanting to do what I can do because I wanted to do something that I can’t.
If I stop wanting to do what I can’t do because there isn’t something that I can.
If I stop wanting to do what I can do because there isn’t something that I can’t do apart from doing what I can do.
If I stop wanting.
If I stop doing.
If I stop.
What if I can’t do what I want to do because I do what I want to do but not what I can?
What I want to do


Yes, it is jibberish. But it makes a point: I can't write poetry.

I'm so tired, this coffee better kick in soon.

List of things to do today:

1. Post my old aeroplane ticket to webjet so I can get new aeroplane ticket before the end of the day, or I won't be able to go to China.
2. Re-write an assignment that is due today at 12:15.
3. Facilitate a group discussion on Communication and Information Environments.
4. Write a report about television and what my group said about television.
5. Return library books
6. Print assignment at the library
7. Go to my doctors appointment
8. Quit University and start training to become an air hostess
9. Research police woman training
10. Get another coffee.

And all before 4:00 today.

I'm stressed. But its all my fault. So I'll deal with it.

P.S I love JAG.